Another face of fear

What Scares Me.

(A five part series column by Jimmy Saling)

I know we all have fears . Some we feel better talking about and some that we share with noone simply cause just the thought of them makes the hair on our neck stand up.

Much like a lot of other things in life sometimes hearing about something someone else has experienced can essentially help us deal with our own issues whether it be relationship problems work related problems or just personal issues that you simply don't want others to know of.

One of the most common issues that most can say they have problems with is fear. Everyone has things that scare them. Whether it be a fear that prevents them from certain activities or something that scares them in the form of potential occurrences and things of a supernatural nature as well.

In my 5 part series in this column i will be depicting 5 different things that represent 5 different forms of fear i have had in my life as well as the detailed thoughts and emotions i felt not to mention my resolve in how i found the way to face each occurrence and overcome it in order to move on.

My hope in writing this is not to help my overcoming any of these fears but more so the hope that perhaps with each story i openly share with all my emotion and holding anything back like an open book so to speak it is my hope that perhaps anyone with the same or similar fear overcome and overtake them can benefit my this and begin their own path to overcome anything that fears them.

So with that in my let us begin this little adventure into the part of our brain that holds that fear and here is my first example of something that i had a fear of and the thought of it scared me .

As i said i will discuss 5 different forms of fear that i have faced and overcome in my life experience.

When i was five years old i remember thinking how much i loved all my family. Then one day i am sitting in the front room playing when the phone rings . My mother answered it and the look that had overcome her face was so unreal i began immediately to feel uneasy and began the barrage of questions she could not answer while trying to hear the person on the phone at the same time. After no more than just a few seconds of my verbal assault of questions she gave me the :SHHHHHHH” and the cut throat motion people used in television to tell you to end what you are doing.

The person on the other end of the call was a law enforcement officer calling to inform my mother of the accident from driving under the influence of cocaine and heroin my step dad was in. He was in critical condition and unresponsive.

My mother then jumped into her car and left me , my sister and two brothers at home with the instructions that my aunt would be over soon to watch us.

While i was very young and hadn't had very much life experience especially pertaining to things like this i still found myself sitting in front of the television fighting back tears. I didn't know what dying really was or meant but i knew it did mean that you never saw that person again.

I was so scared . I didn't want to have to say goodbye to my step dad, that was the only dad i had ever known. I was scared for my mom as well. This would be a second time in her life her husband died at his own hands via a car accident. The fear of knowing someone is slipping away and all the things that follow. All the pain and tears and anger and the empty seat at the table. The empty feeling inside . I was so scared to face all of that .

I was only five years old. Death wasn't something i was suppose to have to face and deal with until i was much older and more mature. Dealing with death to me up to that point was saying goodbye to pee-wee my gold fish before flushing him down the toilet.

Yet there i was alone in the front room sitting in front of the television. My brothers both doing whatever they were doing seemed like the had no feeling on tragedy we were facing . my sister remained in her room i didn't see her to know what was going thru her mind either. So alone i sat there in the front tv alone and no one to console me or talk to me or even answer what questions i had being that i was scared confused and unsure if what i was feeling was even normal .

My aunt arrived and came in the house the look on her face was much the same as my moms as it was her brother who lay in an ER intensive care unit clinging to life .

Hours and hours went by but seemed like no more time than that of a commercial break when my mother walked back thru the door. Clearly completely spent and on her last leg of energy to even maintain standing.

I don't know what came over me but i blurted out “ HE’S DEAD ISN'T HE MOM” and immediately broke out is a hysterical crying fit.

It could be argued that between his jail time and his running the streets when he would be high on drugs cause my mom would kick him out that he was technically not around often enough to even have any kind of emotional attachment to him.

Yet there I was at my young sheltered age facing the feeling of loss of the only father figure i've known since birth.  I was so saddened and so angry because even at that age I knew it was a senseless tragedy and a death that could have been avoided if in fact my stepdad would have used enough common sense to just listen and be willing to change his ways.

The attachment to his drug addict was greater to him than his attachment to having a son or a family and wife at all for that matter. I don't know if i can really grasp with words how badly that affected me simply because i didn't understand addiction  so in my mind i was not good enough for his love and drugs meant more to him.

So reflecting on my own feelings and what i went through emotionally i came to the decision for myself that i was more important than drugs and more special and worth the love i sought out from him and that he was just too weak minded that he couldn't see it or fight the drug addiction.

Imagine at that age having to deal with and determine the right perspective and feeling as to what him dying meant and the effect it was going to have long term . Not to mention that i did so while with no guidance from any adult family or friend member let alone any sibling support.

I can say this much and do so with confidence and that is that no matter what your age or situation and it goes to show one thing i hold true now to this day, i came out of the entire tragedy with a strong conviction and a positive view on where not only the fault of this death was but also that my self worth i attained from this ensured my self esteem and outlook on how quickly life can be taken and should be cherished .

Not to mention it isn't something that should be abused and altered by addiction and self destruction. So if you value love and family and those important to you then stop where you are take a minute and tell them so . Then whenever your time comes to leave this world those who care about you will never wonder and will get to remember you the way anyone would truly want to be remembered i would think.

But hey i'm just a five year old little boy…….what do i know?

• Be sure to pick up the next edition for part two of this five part series.
• Share your similar story or experience with me for i would love to hear them.
• Email ARCJimmyRipp@gmail.com