Jimmy Ripp
Review of “ first of many lies”
0) my own mistake and I'm thinking the spaces were too I ignore all of these
Reword “my housekeeper and longtime friend said in a worried tone.”
A little confusing to me
Calls doesn't need an apostrophe here
Reword --she crossed her arms and shook her head “every time that woman calls….” shooing at the stairs---
Change to “king size”
Change to “one child you will have, but to you will raise”
Remove “I had”
Start a new sentence here
Reword “yet my mother insists….”
Reword “against my better judgement on the good chance it would heighten my worries I had to be sure of my assumptions so I called my mother”
Change to “answered”
Change to “she said excitingly”
Reword “happily yet hesitantly I responded”
Very nice setup
place at the beginning of the quote “my mother spoke in a serious tone”
Start a new sentence here
Lowercase “love”
Replacement “she said calmly”
Replaced with “questioned”
Replaced with “she joyously exclaimed”
Place this before the quote
Remove this you don't need it here for the conversation to flow
Place this before the quote as well
Change to “from the pain”
Change to “I have to names!”
*1) absolutely the best paragraph of the entire story hands down
*2)very intriguing story a little bit mythical and mysterious I wish there was more I didn't get enough to fill that I got all I wanted from the story itself nice job.
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