An original Married with Children episode

T.V. scene (Married w/Children)

By : Jimmy Ripp

  Act #1 (Al becomes a YouTuber)

      Intro credits and song end . Open to Peg Bundy on the couch in the Bundy house front room. Remote in hand fixated on the television in front of her. Announcement comes on …

Announcer

“ Are you feeling empty ? Does the romance in your marriage seem faded and like a distant memory? Well ladies , learn be these five little secrets to put the spice back in your love life! Dr Ruth tells how to bring spark and sizzle back to the bedroom today on Oprah!”

Peg Bundy

(Peg turns off the television in frustration.)

Dam repeats.  not one of those five things help the first time why the heck would I even bother to try them again. I hated spinach the first time I ate it I'm surely not going to try it again. But that would require cooking that other thing that I'm just not going to try again.

(Al Bundy comes thru the door)

Al Bundy

Peggy you won't believe what happened to me in the shoe store today.

Peg Bundy

You got your paycheck and looked at the dollar amount and it said loser?

Al Bundy

No that said balance due kill wife.

(Kelly Bundy comes down stairs)

I was reading in a paper about people getting rich and I got the greatest tip on how.

Kelly Bundy

How Daddy by testing hair growth products?

Al Bundy

Oh God if only I had tested birth control.

(Bud Bundy comes out from basement bedroom)

`                I am gonna start my own YouTube channel!

Bud Bundy

YouTube channel I did let me guess. It's going to be called “How To Fail Without Really Trying?

Kelly Bundy

(To Bud) Leave dad alone. Don't you have a date to inflate somewhere?

Bud Bundy

(To Kelly) It's been 20 minutes kell aren't you do back behind the bleachers for the varsity teams turn?

Kelly Bundy

You connect the dots face.

Bud Bundy

Symbol for easy access.

Peg Bundy

Kids stop it not try to show your father some encouragement. I mean he is building the future of your inheritance!

(Unable to keep a straight face begins to laugh with Kelly and Bud)

Al Bundy

Ah go on mock me all you want ! Just like in my will none of you will share in my wealth.

    Bud Bundy

Oh no father please! What would become of us if not for the mass treasures and fortune      of your high school football memorabilia isn't bestowed to us!

       ( Kelly and Bud huddle up laughing and belittle Al)

                         Peg Bundy

Now kids you know we are not relying on him to leave us anything. That is the reason we took his last christmas bonus check to open that huge life insurance policy.

       Al , Bud & Kelly Bundy

        (At the same time slightly shout)

         “What life insurance Peg ?!?!?

(Peg Bundy quickly attempts misdirection as Marcy D'arcy and Jefferson Darci enter the home.)

Peg Bundy

                Hey Marci. Thanks for coming by.

       
Al Bundy

Jeferson ! You can help me . I am going to start my own youtube channel. It is gonna all about coaching young football players to greatness!

Jefferson D'arcy

That is great Al. What great player are you going to have do the lessons? Walter Payton? Marshall Faulk? Lawrence Taylor?

Al Bundy

                No you idiot ! I am going to have the most dominant player in Polk High football history! The all city greatest who once scored four touchdowns in a single game! The legend of polk high school football.

                    ( as Al poses to breath in his own greatness)

               

                    The great Al Bundy!

            The hits will be never ending the views will be uncountable and the sponsorship money will flow in like a river!

Marcy D'arcy

(Hysterically laughing and trying to contain herself Marci chimes in)

            Sponsorship money? Views ? The only way you could go viral is if you took your shoes off…….oh wait that would be cause a viral…...INFECTION that is!!!!

                        Al Bundy

(Angrily staring at the room of doubters)

You will all see. It will be the greatest achievement of my life. My legacy to leave behind. My riches will be immeasurable and no one will forget the name….

(as he stares into the sky in a superhero pose)

Al Bundy!

                    ( Fade to commercial)

Memory shorts

Jimmy Ripp

First Assignment

An Early Memory

One early memory i can recall was when i was three years old. I was at a bus stop with my sister and when the bus arrived i turned to open my mailbox to get my quarter out. My sister assuming i was right behind her proceeded to get on the bus. The driver closed the door behind her and took off not seeing me sitting there. For the next five blocks most people within a mile radius could hear my sister screaming at the driver “ You left my little brother ! Stop the bus you asterisk.” I remember running and crying and yelling as the bus turned the corner and disappeared. Then a few moments later my sister comes running back around the corner as i sat on the sidewalk crying and thinking i was never gonna see my family again.

2) What freaks me out.

Cats yawning really creeps me out. I have no clue why but they always have. There is no traumatic event in my life that caused this . Just one of those weird things.

3) Tale behind a scar.

I have a 2 ¼ inch scar over my right eye. This is from when i was a bully in high school. Now you must know what type of bully i was. I was a bully to those that i saw picking on special students , gay students , nerdy or otherwise ostracized kids. I stuck up for those who were bullied by bullying those who did that to them. The first time i assumed this role was when I witnessed 2 members of the senior football team with a student cornered whom was rumored to be a member of the gay community. I was a 8th grade 130 lbs freshman. I don't know what made me but before i knew it i was on the back of one the guys with a kokita clutch (Samoan Chokehold) causing him to turn purple and pass out. Then in the same millisecond of time it seemed like this other guy nearly twice my size proceeded to pick up a skateboard and swing it at my head. He did not miss and whether it was adrenaline or simply numberness of being knocked out while still awake and coherent i stood up with blood gushing down the side of head and screamed “YOUR TURN!” It was then that this guy showed his running back skill cause i have never seen anyone run faster. Bystanders told me that when i stood and screamed that i looked so evil that half of them are having nightmares of how my face and the look in my eyes was.

4) Bad haircut

Currently enduring that very thing.

5)

My first day at FLC. After spending two years are ARC and being very miserable . I was very nervous and excited too. The time and treatment and so on i got at ARC would have made anyone quit school so my fear of that happening again here at FLC is already been dismissed by the great interactions i have had with everyone so far.

6)

3 years ago i have a vicious , scary and horrible break up with my X. after 2 and ½ years of abuse both physical and mental along with constant cheating. I had finally discovered that no one deserves to be treated that way. So to put a stop to her abuse . I had her arrested and a restraining order and also moved away because i was informed that she was certainly very violent and in the physiatrist professional opinion very capable of heinous acts including certainly suicidal and definitely homicidal.

7) What i recently lost.

The thing i recently lost was in fact my mind but its ok cause i never really used it all that much anyway so i don't feel any sense of loss or separation from it.

8) Conflicted

When I was bully as i mentioned before. I always went thru this juggle of whether or not i was any better than them . I mean sure they deserved it for what they did to others but i never was comfortable with with the best course of action was when dealing with a bully.

9)

I don't understand why this outcome happened or what possessed me to think and or attempt to overcome my fear of heights by skydiving but that is exactly what i attempted and while the reason might seem a little understandable the outcome had a 1000% opposite result. Not only did i not overcome my fear of heights by skydiving . i developed al new issue that causing me panic attacks if i so much as stand on a simple chair to change a light bulb.

A list of me

Lists for each category

By : Jimmy Ripp

Things I am an expert in :

1)Annoying behavior

2)Pro Wrestling match and character analysis

3)Judge on what cards to push with at what times of a poker tournament

Things I have lost :

1)My storage unit (Which had ten years of photos and other memorabilia of my career in wrestling and entertainment

2)My mind (but never really used that anyway)

3)Quite a few family members including most recently a life long friend to my family passed away from cancer.

Signs that winter has arrived :

1)I cannot sleep without a blanket anymore tells me winter has arrived

2)It finally begins to get cooler as the evening goes on rather than get hotter.

3)People begin to dress less revealing and more bundled.

What's in my body :

1)I actually shudder to think.

2)Way too much coffee

3)Some junk fast food which is not common with me at all and my body is reminding me it's not happy with my lunch choice

Things people have said to me :

1)If it was negative , rude or with harmful intent i would not have remembered cause those words do reach me.

2)I had a professor say that in his 20+ years as a college professor i was to him and i quote “The most unorthodox prolific writer he has ever encountered.”

What to take on the journey :

1)Is there a specific journey to make a list from ?

Things to make a list of :

1)Make a list of things to make a list of is the obvious first choice

2)pros and cons of a relationship or job decision etc.

3)groceries

4)top ten faves whether it be movies music and so on.

Train but never ready

Traineded But Never Ready

By : Jimmy Ripp

CPR courses are always encouraged by everyone for everyone. As an employee of a water park it's part of the hiring process that you are certified in CPR.

The day that one of my biggest fears came to life is one I will always remember. I immediately jumped in the pool where a drowning victim was. I pulled a little child to the flat surface. Without blinking an eyelash as if it were second nature instinctively I begin CPR on the boy who had stopped breathing .After about 25 to 30 seconds which was the longest 25 to 30 seconds of my life that I have ever experienced, the boys spit out water and begin to breathe and slowly sit up. Paramedics arrived and took him to the hospital for tests and observation. 3 days later I am at work and a woman comes up to me with tears in her eyes. She says to me “you are my angel sent from heaven.” It was that little boy’s mother. “You are now forever more part of my family.”  As she stepped aside running toward me full of life this little boy who jumps into my arms and gives me the biggest hug I've ever felt.

I cannot put words together well enough to describe and explain all the emotion that ran through me from that.

Today my new little brother is turning 13 years old. My second mother has informed me and my husband that we are to chaperone him because he is going on his very first date, I said to her “Mom why do you want me to go?” Her response “they are going to dinner and a movie and you will be there that will ensure he doesn't receive any unnecessary CPR!”

The definition of friends

In your words “friends”

By : Jimmy Ripp

    “Friends” . A commodity that is not nearly as valued as it should be. Certainly not performed as often as it perhaps needs to be. It took me a long time to understand the true definition and how to be one. Though I wasn't always a great one to those around me. I'm humbly grateful that over time I learned its true definition and was able to appreciate that joy of being a true friend and having true friends . For it truly is one of the top five things in life to cherish.

When it happens

“When It Happens To You It Becomes A National Tragedy”

By : Jimmy Ripp

       The most trivial of incidents can be blown into an aggrandized fallacy of tumultuous fabricated injustices by someone with entirely over privileged sense of entitlement.

The two children that this babysitter was hired to look after are mirror opposites when it came to their behavior. One was very caring giving and compassionate while the other carried all of the aforementioned traits in his personality.

     So when they got in trouble for eating cookies they weren't supposed to the first boy accepted his punishment apologized and agreed that he was in the wrong. The other began acting in such a manner so overblown that his sibling turned to him and said everybody gets punished but “when it happens to you it becomes a national tragedy.”

       

Trigger lines

Trigger lines

By : Jimmy Ripp

Trigger line #1

   “My mother used to have” such a malicious ambiguous sense of humor and had the insults (out of love) one-liners reminiscent of the late Don Rickles.

     She would always say if she didn't insult you then clearly she did not like you.

Trigger line #2

     He was by all laws of marriage a stepfather. A father he was not though and it was a moniker he was not capable of carrying.

    “What a jerk he always was” when he drank or indulged himself in his drug of choice which was heroin. His own self-loathing and self-destructing anger stemming from his reflection in the mirror is what he projected on others rather than facing his own demons.

     Eventually at the young age of 36 years old is abborance that constantly brewed inside him would  lead him to succumb to a self-inflicted heroin overdose.

      He died and clearly had done enough of that devil drug to ensure death would be imminent. He would no longer have to feel or cause any pain again.  

Trigger line #3

     The year that mother had attempted to gather all my friends secretly for a surprise birthday party she was coordinating for me was when it happened up.

    Until that moment it was very easy to hide my embarrassing issues. The biggest issue was my residence.

     “The house we lived in” had the look, smell, furniture, size,  structure and decoration that screamed out poor drug-infested white trash poverty low life. Nothing of which I am ok with the world thinking.

      With all my friends secretly in route to my house to throw me a surprise birthday party I simply did not know what to do.

       The rumors that will follow will consequently get me ostracized from normality and ensure me a very outcasted existence once this embarrassing issue goes public.

Trigger line #4

    She was standing there waving me to come over and talk to her.

   Chrissy was her name.

   Since puberty hit me a few months ago it made girls become cootie free tolerable acquaintances.

     Chrissy was the end-all-be-all to me. “In this dream that” was constantly incurring I was not shy or introverted. I was very confident and sparing the  details was able to do quite well in courting Chrissy.

     Outside my euphoric slumber I could only mirror that of Stan from South Park when Wendy would approach him.

      There is no mistake about it though. Christy had decided not to wait for my first move anymore and began to confess her feelings for me.

    I could no longer distinguish between this amazing reality and my perpetual euphoric dream-state and quite honestly I did not want to.  

Trigger #5

    “She got out of the car” shouting her proclamation that the search was now over. Over because in that little 1989 Volkswagen, Tara had discovered her vehicular soul mate.

    She promptly took out cash from her pocketbook and paid to obtain ownership. The taravolks duo never parted again.  

Trigger #6

    It has been how she has started her day for the past 25 years of marriage.

    It is so sure as the sun rising and she will never compromise on it for anything.

    So yeah “the first thing she wants in the morning” is a loving passionate good morning kiss from her lifelong loving husband.